When the Complaining Creeps Back In

It seems to come in cycles.

We'll be navigating our family life smoothly, and just as I shift into cruise-control-mothering it happens.

Game change.

The old rules and methods seem to stop working and one of the children starts behaving like a spoiled kid in a toy store.

Whining. Complaining. General unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

Years ago I declared the public space in our house a "No Whine Zone." This was remarkably effective, mostly in reducing the clamor in my ears.

But removing the sound from the living room doesn't address the heart issue. So we memorized scripture. Even the five year old can remember

That verse has been recited more times than any other in our house. By far. And it helps adjust our attitudes.

Nevertheless, the cycles of whining and complaining come around again.

One day not long ago I was extremely frustrated with one of my children. The complaining had escalated to the point where it was starting to be difficult to be around this child.

As I sat there and opened my heart to God's leading in that moment, I realized that the complaining I was hearing was not just words that were grating to me and disobedient to the scripture. More importantly, this constant complaining was reflective of an ungrateful heart.

And right away I knew what our new rule would be.

• The first time you complain, you must say five things out loud for which you are thankful
• The second time you complain, you must say ten things out loud for which you are thankful
• The third time, fifteen, and so on
• You may not re-use an item of thanksgiving in the same day
• Each day you start with a clean slate

After slight hesitation the children have adjusted to this rule. Now all I have to say is, "I see, and what do you need to do now?" and off they rattle their thanksgivings.

The out-loud part of the rule has been key. Yes, we have had days when someone has said fifteen "thankfuls" in a row. It's delightful to listen to the change in tone from #1 to #15. There is something about speaking your blessings out loud that just makes you feel thankful. And cheerful.

I know from experience. <cringe>

It was a day that I woke up to a not-exactly-tidy house. I was behind on laundry, behind on dishes... just behind.

I was determined to take dominion over our crazy house, but that didn't eliminate the normal chores, schoolwork and activities. Then along came a few extra unexpected projects and interruptions. And a change to our afternoon activity that was going to mean less time at home.

The stress level was mounting in the mama brain, and the house still looked like a train wreck.

An hour before we needed to leave, as I was looking around me aghast that I was still woefully behind, Farmer Boy came in from the cold drizzle and announced,

"The goats are out. All of them. And they are spreading out in the woods."

To which I calmly replied, "WHAT??! I don't have time for this! We don't have time! How did this happen? Why wasn't this prevented?! Look at this house! It's a disaster! Aaaaargh!!!!"

My stoic eldest simply looked at me calmly (and somewhat quizzically.)

I growled "I'm sorry, I'm not mad at you, not at any of you, it's not your fault, I'm just so frustrated! I can't get everything done in the time we have in a day, even without disasters and interruptions, but disasters and interruptions just keep coming! And also AAARGH!"

It was one of my wiser and more joy-filled parenting moments.

So the goats were rounded up, the fence fixed, and the humans loaded into the van to leave for the kids' activity. At least we weren't going to be late. As we headed off one of the children fussed and fussed about how very hard life was. 

Oh the complaining. Oh the whining.

And I realized I was listening to myself. Ouch.

"I think we'd both better say five things we're thankful for. I kind of freaked out earlier," I said into the rear-view mirror.

So we alternated listing five things each for which we were thankful.

By the end we were laughing. Because a cheerful heart is good medicine, and sometimes the best medicine for a complaining spirit is speaking thanks.

Order is good, focus is better

A wee update on my goals to attain greater order in the joyous swirl of mayhem that is our homestead...

The three goals I set for February:

1) list all of our to-sell homeschooling books on homeschoolclassifieds.com

2) clear off the laundry room counter and find a home for every single thing

3) finish designing and launch the website

And how I (mostly randomly) projected to undertake these tasks:

homeschool book listing - 1 hour a week
laundry room counter - 5 minutes a day
website design - 2 hours on Monday nights, 30 minutes during my pre-dawn writing time each day.

I did work on the laundry room counter, but nowhere near as diligently as I intended (read: not every day).  I actually kept forgetting about it.  I am totally an out-of-sight-out-of-mind person. 

Homeschooling books... aack!  This I have not come close to getting done.  I refuse to allow piling books to sell to count, because that is just life-as-normal.

I have worked quite a bit on the website but not at all during the time I expected. Turns out I just can't plan anything for the evenings except reading to my kids and sleeping.  I have trouble even staying awake until 9:00 pm.  Might have something to do with the 4:00 am wake-up time! 

And here would be a good place to insert one other observation from my original plan:

"I am not really sure I am setting reasonable goals. I just really want these things done!"

This is my ongoing challenge.  Which is why I have been focusing this week on dwelling in God's presence.  It does help an awful lot with prioritizing.

I am trying out a new prescription for my life-glasses.  Taking off my look-what-you-haven't-accomplished glasses, I am putting on my look-at-how-blessed-you-are glasses.  I never notice myself putting that first pair back on, but I sure have to yank them off a lot.

Thankfully, the more focused I am on dwelling in God's presence, the more sharply focused and firmly attached my blessing-glasses become.

And, actually, they seem a more natural fit. 

Linking up with the 3 in 30 challenge...

photo by clara natoli

Story draws on story...

The windows are black.  The house is quiet.  Little Warrior is sleeping and teeth are being brushed.

It is one of my favorite times of the day.

I sit on the couch and they come.  My nightgown clad nine year old swirls in with her twinkly eyes and jumps up next to me, all elbows and knees.  She throws her legs over mine and rests her head on my shoulder.  With slow steps her lanky teenage brother steadily approaches, eyes hidden by curls, willing to give up computer games to not miss being with us.

The Princess wiggles over, blessing her brother with the rare snuggle with his Mama.  She and I are the bread, he is the filling, as we squish our family sandwich together under wool blankets.

I reach into the spot, the treasured place where the current tale lives, pulling out a world in well-worn paper.  Laura, Aslan, Alice, Pippi, Curdie... the names are many, the worlds different, the draw the same.

Tonight we journey with Curdie.  We have already lived his adventure with girl-princess Irene in The Princess and the Goblin.  We are growing with Curdie into a young man as he is challenged in his faith.

'But if you want me to know you again ma'am, for certain sure,' said Curdie, 'could you not give me some sign, or tell me something about you that never changes - or some other way to know you, or thing to know you by?'

'No Curdie; that would be to keep you from knowing me. You must know me in quite another way from that. It would not be the least use to you or me either if I were to make you know me in that way.  It would be but to know the sign of me - not to know me myself.'

from The Princess and Curdie by George MacDonald

The chapter ends, the book closes, I wait for the oft-repeated "Already! But that was so short!"

Tonight it doesn't come, young minds so engrossed with the thread of God woven into the tale.  We begin to talk... how George MacDonald's allegory dips into our own stories, how Curdie and Peter drew strength from each other's faith... how we, our little family, do the same.

And Farmer Boy and I take turns knitting a story for The Princess, remembering.   He one needle, I the other, we take the yarn of our memories and knit for her when God revealed Himself to us both in the same way, at the same time.  The remembering blesses us all.  We draw strength from each other's faith.

Our eyes are heavy, limbs stiff, it is time for bed.  I pray for each, hands on smooth head, curly head.  We each lie down with our thoughts, our prayers, our dreams, so much to hope for... hearts content.

Tomorrow night we will meet on our couch-boat and sail the seas of story again.

So much to be thankful for, always, every day....

51 ~ shelves upon shelves of worlds waiting to be discovered

52 ~ true stories remembered anew for fresh ears

53 ~ letters slowly sounded out while small finger draws paths down words

54 ~ always being young enough to listen to a story read aloud

55 ~ tree felled in a storm years ago becoming the fuel that warms our hearth

56 ~ chicks lost to cold reminding of us of the blessing of the life that remains

57 ~ God's provision even of death-cleaning vultures

58 ~ crockpot that provides a ready hot meal after a day away

59 ~ songs weaving their way throughout our day and our words

60 ~ friend who hears hurt in my voice and prays from her heart

61 ~ new as-yet-unmet friends who welcome my timid writing to their blog homes

62 ~ grace to write when I feel inadequate

63 ~ husband who sees a need and becomes a washing machine repairman

64 ~ grandparents moving so close they see grandkids every few days

65 ~ time to spend in His presence, even when it seems impossible

66 ~ woolen hand-knit blankets

67 ~ building Jericho with blocks and marching and shouting and crashing

68 ~ falling asleep on the couch in the wee dark hours with my bible on my lap, chasing away anxiety-insomnia with God-laced dreams

69 ~ persistence, insistence, never-giving-up of faithful prayers for lost loved ones

70 ~ my children's father, my love, our warrior-protector


Joining the multitudes remembering their multitudes....

 

My memory failing... yet still, grace

forget-me-nots by Dean Jenkins

I don't really know what is going on, but I am struggling with my memory lately.  It is incredibly frustrating.

When I was a child, I never read books more than once because I found it boring to reread a book I had already absorbed in great detail.  One time through and I was done.  For my entire childhood.

When my parents couldn't remember something... a name, a date, an event... they would ask me.

I did well in school without too much studying because I could remember most everything after hearing it once.

I leaned hard on my memory, and it served me well.

Now I am in my forties.  In the past few years my memory has begun to fail.  I am off balance.

Last spring I had a few small parts in a children's play with my daughter.  She memorized 144 lines in about two weeks.  I had 10-ish lines; it took me two months.

I have been trying to memorize the book of Philippians (for more about that and to join an online community, click on the button in the sidebar), and since December have only been able to add a few new verses.

Today I write for two reasons.

The first is to share an incredible grace... several people have been praying for me to be able to persevere in memorizing Philippians (thank you sweet new friends), and today I saw the fruit of their prayers!  For the first time since December, I was able to make it all the way through the verses I've been memorizing, without getting completely lost and drawing a blank.  And this despite the fact that I had that persistent fuzzy feeling in my head (plus headache), and sometimes felt like it was my mouth remembering, not my brain.

The second is to ask for ideas... what might help me with this memory problem?  I don't so much mean techniques for memorization, although I'll be grateful for those as well.  But my mind... could this be hormones?  I would love to glean from your wisdom and experience! 

It won't surprise you now to learn that I forgot to continue adding to my gratitude list here on Mondays.  But now that I have remembered...  I am ever so grateful for...

41 ~ sisters in Christ who pray without being asked

42 ~ patient children who encourage and applaud as I stumble over words

43 ~ my Lord who is strong when I am weak

44 ~ Advil  :-)

45 ~ helpful ideas that are sure to come

46 ~ my little boy's loving hands stroking my hair as I strive to remember

47 ~ his small whisper of a word or two when I pause

48 ~ the deep grooves in my brain where God is carving His Word

49 ~ sweet tears of rejoicing when I realized the gift I had been given this morning

50 ~ bibles all over the house to lean on when I forget

linking up with Multitudes on Mondays...

If you have experienced memory lapses I would be ever so grateful if you would share what has helped you.  Thank you!

The Wise Woman Builds Her House

This joy thing.  It does not come naturally.

There I stood, hands in a sink of dirty dishes.  Grumbling.  Silent grumbling... turning over grievances, rehearsing rebuttals.

Yet knowing this grumbling is wrong.  What is it in me, Lord, that makes my brain fill with stinkin' thinkin'? 

The wise woman builds her house,
But the foolish tears it down with her own hands.

It breathed into my brain.  My grumbles paused as I tripped over something new in that well-worn passage.  She builds her house.  Not... she built her house then sat smugly back to survey her domain.  No... she builds.  She is doing.  She keeps doing.

She doesn't stop.

There it is.  The thing that makes me grumbly.  It never stops.  I don't mean the dishes (although their perpetuity elicits grumbles at times as well).

Building my house, my family, my legacy... it never stops.  Seeing my own sin... it never stops.

Having to grow, to try, to ask forgiveness... to start again... it never stops.

There is no resting on laurels.

Funny, a few months back I stumbled over the present tense in another scripture.   He makes the barren woman a joyful mother of children.  He never stops. 

Did I mention?  This joy thing.  It does not come naturally.

Grumbling yes.  But the joy?  Only grows when I give the grumbling over.  When I lay it down at His feet and give thanks.

Like a bud deep within me it waits, needing living water to grow and bloom.  And I hold the handle to the door that lets the Gardener in.

No, it does not come naturally.  It is nothing but a gift when I sense the creaking of unfolding petals.  The melting of snow.

He is making ALL things new.  And He never stops.


scriptures ~ Proverbs 14:1, Psalm 113:9, Revelation 21:5
photo credit ~ Karen Miller

Grateful... Hawaii... home...

So very much to be grateful for this week.  The basket is filled to overflowing and I can't even remember it all.

21 ~ the impossible blues of the Pacific...

22 ~ macadamia nuts growing on trees and eaten fresh from the shell...

23 ~ coffee... small red balls holding fresh green beans...

24 ~ an absolutely, incredibly, fabulously, ridiculously delicious frozen coffee drink made with Hawaiian coffee...

25 ~ Moloka'i lawnmowers... 

26 ~ the airplane door latch breaking on takeoff, not while we were in the air...

27 ~ my reunion with an old family friend who I hadn’t seen for 25 years

28 ~ brave first-time windsurfers...

29 ~ just enough time to squeeze in 30 one-on-one minutes with The Princess at her destination of choice - The Waikiki Aquarium...

30 ~ our decision to go to the Honolulu airport three hours early... a blessing thanks to incomprehensible traffic and losing our way, as well as in-airport delays

31 ~ soft socks in the airport that double for sandals left on a beach far away

32 ~ a forgiving husband who doesn't complain when my foolish oversight makes us miss our connection

33 ~ warmth in a Denver airport in December, despite being dressed for Hawaii

34 ~ a joyful Christmas song, sung by the four year old at the top of his lungs, all the way through the Houston airport

35 ~ food just in time to keep me from getting weepy

36 ~ a toasty cup of coffee when I have only had a few hours of sleep on the airplane

37 ~ overjoyed dog jumping and barking his love on our return

38 ~ friends who take care of our farm while we are gone

39 ~ a sparkling clean hearth, and a kind chimney sweep

40 ~ the first roaring fire of the season, warming my fireplace, and my heart

Gratitude ~ Writing it Down

Years ago, a young woman new to bible study, I read for the first time:

"Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."  Ephesians 5:19-20

Thanks for everything?  That began a deeper quest to understand gratitude that continues to this day.

Now, fifteen or more years later, my prayers almost always begin with "Thank you..." and not only has that changed the way I understand my world, it is reflected in my children's prayers as well.

Imagine my joy when I began to see gratitude journals popping up all over the blogosphere, a river of thanksgiving driven by a precious daughter of the King whose life has also been changed by having a thankful heart.

How can I not gleefully jump into this river of bounty and ride, bobbing and splashing, with my sisters in Christ!  Blogging my thankfulness, yes, yes!

So here I am, far from our dry Texas farm, in Hawaii, the state in which I was born, but to which I have not returned for twenty years.  Easy indeed it is for me to start my gratitude list here...

1 ~ my father's generosity in bringing our families to this beautiful place for a shared vacation

2 ~ papaya, pineapple and rice for breakfast

3 ~ the friendship between my husband and brother

4 ~ clear blue waters

5 ~ a growing friendship with my sister-in-law

6 ~ the smell of flowering trees wafting past my nose while worshiping in church

7 ~ newly met brothers and sisters in Christ on a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific

8 ~ seeing, touching, cooking and tasting breadfruit for the first time

9 ~ seeing with my own eyes the green flash as the sun set over the Pacific

10 ~ coffee made from freshly ground beans grown right on this island

11 ~ a little boy overcoming his fear of the water

12 ~ my creative husband inspiring our little one to be brave by pretending to be knights slaying dragons

13 ~ long stretches of silence with only the wind and waves in my ears

14 ~ the exhilaration of riding a wave

15 ~ an island resident who bought a turkey for us before we arrived so we'd be sure to have one for Thanksgiving dinner

16 ~ a long shoulder and back rub from my gifted sister-in-law

17 ~ smiling long haired children covered in wet sand

18 ~ plumeria flowers scattered over the ground and tucked into my hair by my little girl

19 ~ a gas station bathroom smelling sweet and filled with fresh flowers

20 ~ a rainbow over Honolulu as we flew to Moloka'i, colorful gift from the Gift Giver

I Can Sing and Make Music, But Always Give Thanks?

Originally written on November 25, 2003, edited November 25, 2010.  I continue to be awed by the abundance hidden in my sorrows...

This is the time of year when we are inundated with reminders to be thankful.  We make crafts with our children, send cards, prepare feasts, recite blessings.

It is right to be thankful for our abundance, for our obvious blessings. 

But consider this:

"Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."  Ephesians 5:19-20

Was Paul serious that we should be thankful for everything?  Everything? 

What would that look like?

Should I be thankful for headaches?  For my child being injured?  Thankful that my friend is suffering through a divorce?

What does it mean to always be thankful for everything?

I can not begin to imagine every possible scenario, and I know that there are those that horrify.  The trials that some go through are beyond my comprehension. 

Yet I come back to "be thankful for everything."

When I first began to consider this scripture, I tried something new in my prayer time.  I began to give thanks for the bad things that happened in my day. 

I didn't say, "And thank you for the demeaning way I was treated at work today."  Instead I would pray: "Thank you for the reminder I had today of who sets my value. I am so glad that you are my judge, and that I ultimately work for you.  Please help me to love my employer the way you love him." 

Sometimes I might have to pray, "Please show me what there is to be thankful for in this situation, or about this person."

At first this was hard, but over time it became easier.  And remarkably, the trials seemed a little less, well, trying.   It was as if a sharp edge was being been rubbed off them.  I didn't feel as angry.  A tenderness was growing in me.

Then I ran into a personal loss that was too big. 

How could I thank God for the death of our second child, when I was 13 weeks pregnant?  After the first shock of grief wore off, I was confronted with this problem.  I knew that somehow, somehow, God was calling me to have a thankful heart in the midst of this tragedy.  But how?

It took a long time for the sharp edge of that pain to become dulled enough to even consider allowing God to show me how to be thankful.  But eventually He led me there, (with sobs and resistance). 

I came to see that there were things to be thankful for even in my grief:

- that our baby was born at home, and that I was able to see him
- that his death dropped me to my knees so hard that my life was turned toward God in a new way forever
- that I know in a deeply personal way what it means to be comforted in the arms of Jesus
- that I can minister to and love women who experience miscarriage in a much more personal way

I am not suggesting putting on a happy smile, and making bad things look good.  I am talking about true thankfulness in the midst of tragedy.  About real life, real pain, and really being thankful.

So, when people go around the table and count their blessings, are you going to pipe up with one of your worst experiences of the year?  Not likely!

But in your quiet time (or your noisy time, as my time with God often is), take a moment to open your heart to thankfulness.  Pick something that is heavy on you right now, a burden that you feel you can't bear, and ask God to show you what to be thankful for in that situation.

Watch and see what He will do!

Praying that you will find the abundance hidden in your sorrows....