Ever have a day when you get out of bed and wonder how you're going to muddle through to the end?
The kind of day when you step on a lego, then stub your toe on a pile of books, and all you can think is "Why doesn't anyone ever clean this place?" You stumble to the kitchen for your tea and have to clear a path on the counter to the teapot. Your curly headed toddler meanders out and as you snuggle him good morning, you realize he smells like last night's hamburger and the back of his head appears to be sprouting dreadlocks.
You probably don't have days like this, because you are probably much more organized than I am. You probably also have very well trained children who always pick up after themselves without being told. Or perhaps they need a reminder, but you are so consistent with your routines that you remembered to sing out sweetly at 5:00pm last night, "Time to tidy the house, children!" And your little cherubs cheerfully rushed to do your bidding.
I find it frustrating that this issue seem to be cyclical for me. I do very well at keeping to routines and on top of things for a while, then either there is a slow erosion of order (both in time and space), or something dramatic interrupts our lives and we just can't seem to get back on track.
Being away derailed us this time. Not only were we away for two and half weeks, but it was a very physically and emotionally exhausting trip. When we got home, I managed to hold myself together just long enough to get The Princess to her theater class, then I came home and hit the proverbial wall. I literally felt like I had been in a sustained wrestling match. My muscles ached. My bones ached. I spent two days taking Advil and sleeping a lot.
Today I felt mostly back to normal, but when I looked around my house this morning I just wanted to crawl back in bed. The center of the house, the public rooms, were fairly tidy, although they needed a good dusting. But all those satellite rooms... the bedrooms, the school room, the bathrooms, the office... each one was its own explosion. While I rested these past few days, the children continued on with school work, but they also continued on with playing, especially Little Warrior. Little Warrior specializes in battlefields, and he did a fine job of recreating them throughout the house.
I sometimes have bouts with nighttime anxiety, and when I am worried, I often find myself awake at 2:00 or 3:00, lying in bed trying to get back to sleep, while endless loops of that-which-is-undone-but-shouldn't-be and what-if-this-terrible-thing-happens cycle through my brain. It is in this dark hour that my worst fears ooze around my prostrate body, and I feel that I am slowly sinking into a suffocating swamp of my failures.
I have learned that the only way to take this wretchedness in hand is to stand up. Feet on floor, I take my favorite pillow, and walk to my spot on the couch. With a glass of water or soothing herbal tea, and my bible or an inspirational book, I open my mind to receive God's advice.
This morning at 3:06, when I snuggled down into the couch, the reminder I got was Just Do It.
Someone has to do it, and that someone is me.
I can fuss about a messy house, but nothing will change until I DO something about it. I can worry about what "should" be but isn't, but until I DO something, it all remains in the shadowy realm of hypothesis.
I wish I could tell you that I'm a Super Hero and woke up chipper and energetic later that morning. That I Just Did It all day. I've already mentioned the legos.
But I did surface from the sea of my own exhaustion enough times to take a deep breath and DO something. We won't wake up to a perfect house tomorrow, but it also won't be the same disaster.
Just Do It.